Who am I?

This week I went to a benefit for a former co-worker. I did my hair in my normal dressed up do, of curls all around, and pull back the one side with bobby pins (okay I dressed it up with a flower pin in the hair). My make-up was subdued, and I wore jeans, a nice top and a pair of heel boots. Nothing over the top. I don't know if it was my weight loss, the color in my hair, or the new piercings, but I got a lot of triple takes, and people who didn't recognize me right away at all. It was a good feeling. But as usual, it got me thinking: who am I?

Before I started this journey, I was Staci: loud, fat, girl who is outrageous but still in her shell a little. Now I am looking at who I am after a weight loss of just over 38 pounds, and I don't know if I can say the same things. Oh, I am still loud, and still fat. But am I outrageous but still in my shell? I don't really think so. The amazing thing about the weight loss besides the transformation on the outside that everyone can see, it's the transformation of the inside of myself as well.

Before I started I would have told you at 326 pounds I was happy with myself (and I may have said that in a post at one point). I had decided long ago that I would be the fat girl, and I was happy. I still walked all over the zoo, I could spend a day walking around downtown Chicago, and I didn't let my weight stop me from going on vacations, swimming, or trying to enjoy myself. I liked who I saw in the mirror, and telling me I was fat couldn't hurt me. I mean how can it hurt to tell me I am fat, when I'll tell anyone that I am the "fat chick?" I didn't realize how much I was lying to myself until this week. I was happy with myself because I didn't have the motivation to change who I was. I created an image of a happy girl to show the world, because they couldn't hurt me. I used that image for so long that I lied to myself and started to believe it.

Starting to think this through and realize that I lied to myself wasn't an easy task, but admitting to others is so much harder. Especially when, like me, you are emotional. Tears may well or fall, but the truth needs to get out. If I didn't  realize this truth about myself, then I could never realize how much I have changed. See, now the real Staci is emerging.

I am still loud. I honestly don't think that one will ever leave me. Heck, ask those that remember me in high school, I was loud then. I am still a little outrageous. My thought patter is still "skewed" and I have no problem with that. I am still a little in my shell, but I realized something. There is a different, happier person coming out, and I like her! My personality now (I think) is more of girl next store meets, rock girl. I have the pink peek-a-boos in my hair (and I mean pink), my nose and "lip" are pierced. But my hair is usually a little more main stream in style, and my ears don't have the huge "gauged" look to them. (Side note, my ears are gauged, but only to a 12. This helps me to wear regular earrings on occasion without having the huge allergic reaction to them).

Will this Staci be the same person at the end of my journey? I honestly don't know. I think there is a lot more exploring of myself and feelings before this journey is over. I may have many incarnations of myself through it all. But, at the end I guarantee I will not be lying to myself any more.

Love, Peace, and Still Fat
S

P.S. This is happier Staci: