I've realized over the past few weeks while on Facebook is that I don't think of Weight Watchers as a diet, it a new way of life for me. I see posts that people put up about their "diets" and these "miracle" drugs that help you to lose tons of weight and inches. I think to myself, "What happens when you stop taking those drugs?" or "What happens when you stop the diet?" For me, I know that this is a lifestyle change. I am changing the way I look at food, think of food, and eat my food. With a change of life, once you do it for so long you are less likely to want to go back to the old way.
The best part about this "lifestyle" is that I can eat what ever I want. I know it sounds silly and stupid, but name me one diet that allows you to eat in a single day two slices of pizza, ice cream, and snacks? Yes, I have eaten that on a day with weight watchers. I eat my breakfast for 6-8 points in the morning. If I am hungry I pull out a yogurt, fruit, or a snack bar later. I eat my 7-12 point lunch, snack again if I get hungry in the afternoon, eat my dinner of 7-15 points, and then because I have so many points left over I may have a 4 point container of Skinny Cow ice cream.
I want for nothing. My mom threw my husband and I a going away party this weekend. I had half a cupcake, some cookies, fried chicken (as much skin as I could removed), taco salad, and jello. I went to Red Lobster to celebrate my Grandfather's birthday. I had the meal I wanted, and split a roll with my husband. And, I lost 3.4 pounds this week.
Now what I am going to tell everyone might shock or surprise you, but this is something I truly believe. See, everyone craves food. For me, I crave all types of food, warm soft pretzels, chocolate chip cookies, my favorite deep dish chicago style pizza, Chinese food from my favorite place, and pasta. What I have learned over the years in previous yo-yo dieting is that if I don't fulfill that craving, I will still crave it for weeks. Yes I said weeks. Try having a craving for a soft pretzel and going to the mall. Not a good combination I'll admit. So, what do you do? For me I try to eat what I am craving.
There are somethings that are easier to accommodate than others with these cravings, and I understand. But I would rather have three mini chocolate chip toll house cookies straight out of the oven with some fat free Cool Whip one day than keep that craving for weeks, and break down while at the mall and get one of those frosted chocolate chip cookies. Or go to a party and eat half a dozen without thinking. Here's what you have to think through. Is it worth having a little bit of this now, even if your weight loss for the week is only half a pound, or (gasp!) zero? Or, would you rather keep that craving for weeks and over indulge later and instead of little to no weight loss, have a gain?
That is what I had to decide the other day. My husband and I have been craving some Chinese food. I don't eat much of the food, but when I do I get a craving from this place in town that makes the best tempura battered chicken pieces for sweet and sour chicken. Terrible I know. I finally (after a few weeks) decided to give into this craving. Let me tell you, I ate those chicken pieces and felt like crap most of the rest of the night. I learned that my MSG "allergy" has gotten much worse. Just a little bit of soy sauce that contains the MSG and I was having an attack. The other lesson I have learned, sometimes giving into those cravings makes it so you may not crave that food again. Not such a bad thing?
Will this affect my numbers on the scale? Maybe. But I have lost 47.6 pounds, and I am averaging 3.4 pounds a week. That is way over the "recommended" amount. I am on point to lose fifty pounds in the next few weeks. I feel great, look better, and can do more. Was getting rid of a craving now so I didn't make it worse later worth waiting an extra week or two for that magic number of 50? Yes, in my opinion it was. Some of you may tell me hell no, how could you do it? And I understand that logic. I just know me, my body, my goals, and what I am trying to do. So yes, it was for me.
Love, Peace, and still Fat
S
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Stronger
I've realized a few things over the past couple of months in my weight loss journey. I am a stronger person than I thought. I knew that I could accomplish anything I put my mind to, so it shouldn't be such a surprise to me that I am doing well. It's more about the self-control I've had, and the positive attitude I've kept up this long.
Self-control is something I can honestly admit that I struggle with more than anything else. The self-control to stop after one (or half of a) cookie, only have those two pieces of thin crust pizza, go to a party and not chow down on chips. As I've talked about before I've had lots of practice at parties since I started on this journey. The party or holiday dinner is usually something that I would have given myself a free pass for previously, or I would have not really thought too much about. Now, I am determined. I will lose this weight, I will get fit: I will be a better me. That has made my self-control so much better than I ever thought I could do.
I'll give a great example of this self-control in action, and it isn't at a party. My husband and I have been craving a real Chicago deep dish pizza before we move. If you aren't from Chicago you may not understand the deliciousness of these pizza's. If you are lactose intolerant and can't eat cheese, so sorry, you will never eat this pizza. It's a thick crust (the type of flour used depends on the place you go to have it) with crust coming up the sides of the deep dish pan and then rolled over the top of it self slightly covering the toppings. Now the cheese goes down first (yes non-Chicago people I understand this is not normal just wait) and it's not just a sprinkling of cheese. I have to say that in a large pizza there has got to be over a pound of mozzarella cheese inside that pizza. Then come the toppings, of veggies, sausage (depending wear crumbled or patty), pepperoni, or anything else you can think of. Then the sauce is ladled on top of all that goodness (the crust may be rolled over at this point), and then put in the oven to bake for 45 minute to one hour. Just enough time for your stomach to go from hungry to ravenous.
Now previously my husband and I would order at least a medium pizza, and each have at least 2 pieces. Oh, plus the mozzarella cheese sticks for an appetizer. So, Sunday we decided to go and have this pizza before we move. Yummy right. We get to the restaurant, and order a small sausage pizza, and each of us got a side salad, dressing on the side of course. We slowly ate the salad, and even by the time we were finished there was a good ten to fifteen minute wait for our pizza to come out. We each took our one piece, added a bit of parmesan cheese, red pepper flakes, said our prayers and started to eat. I think I have never taken so long to cut my pizza, then put it in my mouth, chew it and swallow before. (And yes, this pizza is so large you almost have to eat it with a fork and knife. I am sorry New Yorkers) We had the other two pieces of the small pizza put in a to go box and went home. Self control at it's best. No fatty, fried appetizer, no two pieces of pizza but best of all, no stomach telling me that it is so full that I want to unbutton my pants for the drive home.
Now the other part is the positive attitude. I've had a few weeks where I have lost a pound or less, I even had a week that I gained 1 pound. Overall, though I have had a weight loss of 44.2 pounds in fourteen weeks, I am ahead of my goals for the year (though they are not changing as of right now just because I know it may get harder later in the year. I will play it by ear). It also helps that I am doing things I never thought I would before and doing things I don't know if I could have done 44 pounds ago.
I walk to my Weight Watchers meeting every week. I've had to get a ride home twice for an ankle issue (if I would remember a band aid on the ankle it wouldn't be an issue). That is at least 1.2 miles or 3.4 if I do the round trip. I walked over 4 miles in a day (From my house to my sisters, then my meeting, then my mom's and then home) and I wasn't sore or exhausted from it. If needed I could enter into a 5k walk for this weekend and finish it in about an hour or so. I can hold more and lift more. I helped my dad just the other day take the cap off of his truck. It took 4 of us to lift the cap off (while my mom drove the truck forward. Scary considering I was afraid of getting my toes ran over), and then maneuver it over the fence, through the back yard, and place it on the horses. Yes I was able to carry my side and be good with the walking, and holding of it. I held it up until I could get someone to move the horse for me because I was afraid of dropping the lid one handed. Now I probably could have accomplished that prior to my weight loss. But, I wouldn't have been able to do it without cussing, and being out of breath by the end.
I also find that standing on my feet doesn't hurt as much as it use to. When I stand for long periods of time, or take really long walks I don't hurt. Usually by the end of the day at the zoo I am sitting all the time and can't wait to get in the car and just put my feet up. Not anymore. I can't wait until after the move so I can start training to run a 5k (which should be interesting since I am out of breath by the end of the block).
On a side note: To all those with the positive comments, likes when I post on Facebook, etc. Thank you. I never thought that me putting down how I honestly feel at any given time, would be such a help to so many people. You have inspired me to be a better me, and to keep myself on track as well. I can't really express in words (shocking, I know) how much all of that means to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Until next time:
Love, Peace, and Still Fat
S
Self-control is something I can honestly admit that I struggle with more than anything else. The self-control to stop after one (or half of a) cookie, only have those two pieces of thin crust pizza, go to a party and not chow down on chips. As I've talked about before I've had lots of practice at parties since I started on this journey. The party or holiday dinner is usually something that I would have given myself a free pass for previously, or I would have not really thought too much about. Now, I am determined. I will lose this weight, I will get fit: I will be a better me. That has made my self-control so much better than I ever thought I could do.
I'll give a great example of this self-control in action, and it isn't at a party. My husband and I have been craving a real Chicago deep dish pizza before we move. If you aren't from Chicago you may not understand the deliciousness of these pizza's. If you are lactose intolerant and can't eat cheese, so sorry, you will never eat this pizza. It's a thick crust (the type of flour used depends on the place you go to have it) with crust coming up the sides of the deep dish pan and then rolled over the top of it self slightly covering the toppings. Now the cheese goes down first (yes non-Chicago people I understand this is not normal just wait) and it's not just a sprinkling of cheese. I have to say that in a large pizza there has got to be over a pound of mozzarella cheese inside that pizza. Then come the toppings, of veggies, sausage (depending wear crumbled or patty), pepperoni, or anything else you can think of. Then the sauce is ladled on top of all that goodness (the crust may be rolled over at this point), and then put in the oven to bake for 45 minute to one hour. Just enough time for your stomach to go from hungry to ravenous.
Now previously my husband and I would order at least a medium pizza, and each have at least 2 pieces. Oh, plus the mozzarella cheese sticks for an appetizer. So, Sunday we decided to go and have this pizza before we move. Yummy right. We get to the restaurant, and order a small sausage pizza, and each of us got a side salad, dressing on the side of course. We slowly ate the salad, and even by the time we were finished there was a good ten to fifteen minute wait for our pizza to come out. We each took our one piece, added a bit of parmesan cheese, red pepper flakes, said our prayers and started to eat. I think I have never taken so long to cut my pizza, then put it in my mouth, chew it and swallow before. (And yes, this pizza is so large you almost have to eat it with a fork and knife. I am sorry New Yorkers) We had the other two pieces of the small pizza put in a to go box and went home. Self control at it's best. No fatty, fried appetizer, no two pieces of pizza but best of all, no stomach telling me that it is so full that I want to unbutton my pants for the drive home.
Now the other part is the positive attitude. I've had a few weeks where I have lost a pound or less, I even had a week that I gained 1 pound. Overall, though I have had a weight loss of 44.2 pounds in fourteen weeks, I am ahead of my goals for the year (though they are not changing as of right now just because I know it may get harder later in the year. I will play it by ear). It also helps that I am doing things I never thought I would before and doing things I don't know if I could have done 44 pounds ago.
I walk to my Weight Watchers meeting every week. I've had to get a ride home twice for an ankle issue (if I would remember a band aid on the ankle it wouldn't be an issue). That is at least 1.2 miles or 3.4 if I do the round trip. I walked over 4 miles in a day (From my house to my sisters, then my meeting, then my mom's and then home) and I wasn't sore or exhausted from it. If needed I could enter into a 5k walk for this weekend and finish it in about an hour or so. I can hold more and lift more. I helped my dad just the other day take the cap off of his truck. It took 4 of us to lift the cap off (while my mom drove the truck forward. Scary considering I was afraid of getting my toes ran over), and then maneuver it over the fence, through the back yard, and place it on the horses. Yes I was able to carry my side and be good with the walking, and holding of it. I held it up until I could get someone to move the horse for me because I was afraid of dropping the lid one handed. Now I probably could have accomplished that prior to my weight loss. But, I wouldn't have been able to do it without cussing, and being out of breath by the end.
I also find that standing on my feet doesn't hurt as much as it use to. When I stand for long periods of time, or take really long walks I don't hurt. Usually by the end of the day at the zoo I am sitting all the time and can't wait to get in the car and just put my feet up. Not anymore. I can't wait until after the move so I can start training to run a 5k (which should be interesting since I am out of breath by the end of the block).
On a side note: To all those with the positive comments, likes when I post on Facebook, etc. Thank you. I never thought that me putting down how I honestly feel at any given time, would be such a help to so many people. You have inspired me to be a better me, and to keep myself on track as well. I can't really express in words (shocking, I know) how much all of that means to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Until next time:
Love, Peace, and Still Fat
S
Monday, April 16, 2012
Little Things
I sit here this morning before my weigh in with a huge smile on my face. I don't care if I lost .2 or another 4 pounds (of which is doubtful two weeks of 4 pound weight loss is highly unlikely), I have had a good week. I learned this week that my success can not always be measured in the numbers on the scale, or the will power to stop at only one piece of deliciously good chicago style deep dish pizza. The success can be measured in all these small, tiny ways that make it work for me.
My first success this week I was blind sided with. For those that don't know, in 18 days we pack our moving truck, and 19 days we head off on our move to Louisiana. With that, Matt was cleaning out his work desk so he could start packing those items he doesn't really need the next few weeks. While cleaning he stumbled upon a jewelry box that contained a pearl ring he purchased for me in December 2008 (and yes I went to Amazon to see how long it had been). The ring never fit me, and I have never worn it. He tossed the box to me, and asked if it fit now. Well I am delighted to say it now fits on my left ring finger perfectly! Coincidentally, my wedding ring no longer fits on that finger because it is too big. I have gone from a size 11 1/4 on my finger to a 10.
The second and third both happened on Saturday afternoon/evening. I had decided after doing so much packing and cleaning around the house that Matt really needed to get out. (Yes Matt, not me. I get out to go to meetings and visit my family durning the day while he works what do I need out of the house for?) We had decided to go out to the casino to see it, since it's been years since we had been there. Now I know you don't have to get all dressed up for the casino, anything goes in attire for the most part, but I have a fear of looking all comfy and running into someone I know. I have to at least have my hair and make-up done, and if I am going that far I might as well do something nice with my clothing, right? So I finished getting dressed and I am putting on all of my accessories. I throw on a bracelet on each wrist, and I debate on my two favorite necklaces. Just for giggles, I took off the extender on the one necklace and tried it on. It fit! The necklace fit! I know I didn't have to use all 3 inches of the extender before, but without it, this necklace came up pretty high on the neck didn't feel comfortable, and looked awkward. I was elated, and ended up wearing both necklaces that night.
I didn't think much of anything else while we were out. I was amazed at how nice the casino looked, and I think I spent more time walking around the entire place than I did at a machine. However, on the way home I looked down at my wrist and noticed that my bracelet had turned during the night. I turned it back to the "home" position, as I call it. Then it hit me. This bracelet was one of those that barely fit me before. I could get it on, and it would close but it was tight and there was no moving the bracelet at all. Now, it is lose enough that it actually turns on my wrist!
Little victories to me is what these add up to. But on a week where a weight loss of a pound would be huge (not that I ate terribly, or anything like that, but when you have a weight loss of 4 pounds the week before a .2 loss is a good achievement, you work just to stay even that week most of the time) these little victories give me the incentive to keep it up, and remember how I can achieve these goals.
Well that, and it doesn't help that I received some pictures this weekend that reminded me of where I started, and how much better I look today. Until next time.
Love, Peace, and Still Fat
S
My first success this week I was blind sided with. For those that don't know, in 18 days we pack our moving truck, and 19 days we head off on our move to Louisiana. With that, Matt was cleaning out his work desk so he could start packing those items he doesn't really need the next few weeks. While cleaning he stumbled upon a jewelry box that contained a pearl ring he purchased for me in December 2008 (and yes I went to Amazon to see how long it had been). The ring never fit me, and I have never worn it. He tossed the box to me, and asked if it fit now. Well I am delighted to say it now fits on my left ring finger perfectly! Coincidentally, my wedding ring no longer fits on that finger because it is too big. I have gone from a size 11 1/4 on my finger to a 10.
The second and third both happened on Saturday afternoon/evening. I had decided after doing so much packing and cleaning around the house that Matt really needed to get out. (Yes Matt, not me. I get out to go to meetings and visit my family durning the day while he works what do I need out of the house for?) We had decided to go out to the casino to see it, since it's been years since we had been there. Now I know you don't have to get all dressed up for the casino, anything goes in attire for the most part, but I have a fear of looking all comfy and running into someone I know. I have to at least have my hair and make-up done, and if I am going that far I might as well do something nice with my clothing, right? So I finished getting dressed and I am putting on all of my accessories. I throw on a bracelet on each wrist, and I debate on my two favorite necklaces. Just for giggles, I took off the extender on the one necklace and tried it on. It fit! The necklace fit! I know I didn't have to use all 3 inches of the extender before, but without it, this necklace came up pretty high on the neck didn't feel comfortable, and looked awkward. I was elated, and ended up wearing both necklaces that night.
I didn't think much of anything else while we were out. I was amazed at how nice the casino looked, and I think I spent more time walking around the entire place than I did at a machine. However, on the way home I looked down at my wrist and noticed that my bracelet had turned during the night. I turned it back to the "home" position, as I call it. Then it hit me. This bracelet was one of those that barely fit me before. I could get it on, and it would close but it was tight and there was no moving the bracelet at all. Now, it is lose enough that it actually turns on my wrist!
Little victories to me is what these add up to. But on a week where a weight loss of a pound would be huge (not that I ate terribly, or anything like that, but when you have a weight loss of 4 pounds the week before a .2 loss is a good achievement, you work just to stay even that week most of the time) these little victories give me the incentive to keep it up, and remember how I can achieve these goals.
Well that, and it doesn't help that I received some pictures this weekend that reminded me of where I started, and how much better I look today. Until next time.
Love, Peace, and Still Fat
S
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Long thoughts
As I write this I have been thinking of what I wanted to write and how to write it for awhile. The funny thing is how much my thoughts change on a day to day basis I guess depending on how I am feeling about my progress so far.
Not that I have any complaining about progress. Last week I was baby-sitting my three year old nephew, and took him with my for my weigh in and meeting. It was a great motivator for me, as when he weighed in, that is exactly how much I had lost up until I stepped on the scale. I can now say anytime I pick my nephew up, that I have lost more than you weigh buddy! That fueled me in this tough week I had to face.
I am moving in 25 or so days now, and have so much I am trying to accomplish along with the whole stay fit, lose weight aspect of my life. I also had to worry about a wake, funeral, and Easter this week. Talk about food addict stress. I will admit on Tuesday my husband and I copped out and stopped at McDonald's for dinner, as it would be easier to get to the wake up "north" (as us south siders consider it) with a drive-thru dinner than trying to cook something, scarf it down quick, and then get up north in time.
First, my order at McDonald's has changed dramatically. I use to get either a quarter pounder with cheese or double quarter pounder with cheese (both plain), a medium or large fry, and a large coke, no ice. This time it was a McDouble (still plain), a small fry, and I had water in the car. Secondly, when you haven't had McDonald's burgers and fries in months (I think the last time I had it was in my first few weeks of my journey), and you are eating better, healthier food McDonald's just doesn't do anything for me. I honestly didn't want to finish the burger. It had little or no flavor, and didn't sit well in my stomach at all. Ick! What a lesson I ended up getting that night.
I also made it through the luncheon after the funeral as the food served was actually pretty darn healthy, the dinner at Grandma's after with the family (again, thanks to my family who as a whole is leaning towards the healthier food), and Easter dinner. Well, I helped myself there. I don't eat ham (I know I am odd, comment away lol), so I made my "unfried" chicken pieces for my Easter dinner, and put them with my salad. Yummy!
Even said, I didn't really get to exercise (and getting back into that after being released for my knee is taking forever. I haven't finished a session yet for fear of hurting my knee). I was figuring that if I lost a pound or so I would be happy considering the entire week. Imagine my shock when I got on the scale and was told I lost 4 pounds, and my new total is a loss of 43.4 pounds! I am way ahead of schedule of my first goal of 50 pounds by my birthday in June. Now I am trying to see if I can get in done in the next 3 weeks before I move.
Now, my journey hasn't been easy, I've had my set backs, but the rewards are great. Remember the doctor that told me I had to lose weight to get pregnant? I went and saw him last week for my yearly check up. He was very happy to see my weight loss, and everyone in the office commented on how great I was doing. Not only that, but my doctor mentioned to me that I am inspiring to him, as in less than 3 months I had lost more weight than he was looking to lose total.
I am telling you that setting goals, and telling people helps immensely in trying to get fit and lose the weight. However, that is not enough. If you truly are not personally motivated and inspired to lose the weight you won't. You have to want to achieve it and do it, or you never will. Did you ever have someone tell you that you can do anything you put your mind to? I did, and I will tell you, until you are whole heartedly behind yourself mentally, there is nothing you can do to succeed. Mentally be ready, and you can do anything!
Love, Peace, and Still Fat
S
Not that I have any complaining about progress. Last week I was baby-sitting my three year old nephew, and took him with my for my weigh in and meeting. It was a great motivator for me, as when he weighed in, that is exactly how much I had lost up until I stepped on the scale. I can now say anytime I pick my nephew up, that I have lost more than you weigh buddy! That fueled me in this tough week I had to face.
I am moving in 25 or so days now, and have so much I am trying to accomplish along with the whole stay fit, lose weight aspect of my life. I also had to worry about a wake, funeral, and Easter this week. Talk about food addict stress. I will admit on Tuesday my husband and I copped out and stopped at McDonald's for dinner, as it would be easier to get to the wake up "north" (as us south siders consider it) with a drive-thru dinner than trying to cook something, scarf it down quick, and then get up north in time.
First, my order at McDonald's has changed dramatically. I use to get either a quarter pounder with cheese or double quarter pounder with cheese (both plain), a medium or large fry, and a large coke, no ice. This time it was a McDouble (still plain), a small fry, and I had water in the car. Secondly, when you haven't had McDonald's burgers and fries in months (I think the last time I had it was in my first few weeks of my journey), and you are eating better, healthier food McDonald's just doesn't do anything for me. I honestly didn't want to finish the burger. It had little or no flavor, and didn't sit well in my stomach at all. Ick! What a lesson I ended up getting that night.
I also made it through the luncheon after the funeral as the food served was actually pretty darn healthy, the dinner at Grandma's after with the family (again, thanks to my family who as a whole is leaning towards the healthier food), and Easter dinner. Well, I helped myself there. I don't eat ham (I know I am odd, comment away lol), so I made my "unfried" chicken pieces for my Easter dinner, and put them with my salad. Yummy!
Even said, I didn't really get to exercise (and getting back into that after being released for my knee is taking forever. I haven't finished a session yet for fear of hurting my knee). I was figuring that if I lost a pound or so I would be happy considering the entire week. Imagine my shock when I got on the scale and was told I lost 4 pounds, and my new total is a loss of 43.4 pounds! I am way ahead of schedule of my first goal of 50 pounds by my birthday in June. Now I am trying to see if I can get in done in the next 3 weeks before I move.
Now, my journey hasn't been easy, I've had my set backs, but the rewards are great. Remember the doctor that told me I had to lose weight to get pregnant? I went and saw him last week for my yearly check up. He was very happy to see my weight loss, and everyone in the office commented on how great I was doing. Not only that, but my doctor mentioned to me that I am inspiring to him, as in less than 3 months I had lost more weight than he was looking to lose total.
I am telling you that setting goals, and telling people helps immensely in trying to get fit and lose the weight. However, that is not enough. If you truly are not personally motivated and inspired to lose the weight you won't. You have to want to achieve it and do it, or you never will. Did you ever have someone tell you that you can do anything you put your mind to? I did, and I will tell you, until you are whole heartedly behind yourself mentally, there is nothing you can do to succeed. Mentally be ready, and you can do anything!
Love, Peace, and Still Fat
S
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Who am I?
This week I went to a benefit for a former co-worker. I did my hair in my normal dressed up do, of curls all around, and pull back the one side with bobby pins (okay I dressed it up with a flower pin in the hair). My make-up was subdued, and I wore jeans, a nice top and a pair of heel boots. Nothing over the top. I don't know if it was my weight loss, the color in my hair, or the new piercings, but I got a lot of triple takes, and people who didn't recognize me right away at all. It was a good feeling. But as usual, it got me thinking: who am I?
Before I started this journey, I was Staci: loud, fat, girl who is outrageous but still in her shell a little. Now I am looking at who I am after a weight loss of just over 38 pounds, and I don't know if I can say the same things. Oh, I am still loud, and still fat. But am I outrageous but still in my shell? I don't really think so. The amazing thing about the weight loss besides the transformation on the outside that everyone can see, it's the transformation of the inside of myself as well.
Before I started I would have told you at 326 pounds I was happy with myself (and I may have said that in a post at one point). I had decided long ago that I would be the fat girl, and I was happy. I still walked all over the zoo, I could spend a day walking around downtown Chicago, and I didn't let my weight stop me from going on vacations, swimming, or trying to enjoy myself. I liked who I saw in the mirror, and telling me I was fat couldn't hurt me. I mean how can it hurt to tell me I am fat, when I'll tell anyone that I am the "fat chick?" I didn't realize how much I was lying to myself until this week. I was happy with myself because I didn't have the motivation to change who I was. I created an image of a happy girl to show the world, because they couldn't hurt me. I used that image for so long that I lied to myself and started to believe it.
Starting to think this through and realize that I lied to myself wasn't an easy task, but admitting to others is so much harder. Especially when, like me, you are emotional. Tears may well or fall, but the truth needs to get out. If I didn't realize this truth about myself, then I could never realize how much I have changed. See, now the real Staci is emerging.
I am still loud. I honestly don't think that one will ever leave me. Heck, ask those that remember me in high school, I was loud then. I am still a little outrageous. My thought patter is still "skewed" and I have no problem with that. I am still a little in my shell, but I realized something. There is a different, happier person coming out, and I like her! My personality now (I think) is more of girl next store meets, rock girl. I have the pink peek-a-boos in my hair (and I mean pink), my nose and "lip" are pierced. But my hair is usually a little more main stream in style, and my ears don't have the huge "gauged" look to them. (Side note, my ears are gauged, but only to a 12. This helps me to wear regular earrings on occasion without having the huge allergic reaction to them).
Will this Staci be the same person at the end of my journey? I honestly don't know. I think there is a lot more exploring of myself and feelings before this journey is over. I may have many incarnations of myself through it all. But, at the end I guarantee I will not be lying to myself any more.
Love, Peace, and Still Fat
S
P.S. This is happier Staci:
Before I started this journey, I was Staci: loud, fat, girl who is outrageous but still in her shell a little. Now I am looking at who I am after a weight loss of just over 38 pounds, and I don't know if I can say the same things. Oh, I am still loud, and still fat. But am I outrageous but still in my shell? I don't really think so. The amazing thing about the weight loss besides the transformation on the outside that everyone can see, it's the transformation of the inside of myself as well.
Before I started I would have told you at 326 pounds I was happy with myself (and I may have said that in a post at one point). I had decided long ago that I would be the fat girl, and I was happy. I still walked all over the zoo, I could spend a day walking around downtown Chicago, and I didn't let my weight stop me from going on vacations, swimming, or trying to enjoy myself. I liked who I saw in the mirror, and telling me I was fat couldn't hurt me. I mean how can it hurt to tell me I am fat, when I'll tell anyone that I am the "fat chick?" I didn't realize how much I was lying to myself until this week. I was happy with myself because I didn't have the motivation to change who I was. I created an image of a happy girl to show the world, because they couldn't hurt me. I used that image for so long that I lied to myself and started to believe it.
Starting to think this through and realize that I lied to myself wasn't an easy task, but admitting to others is so much harder. Especially when, like me, you are emotional. Tears may well or fall, but the truth needs to get out. If I didn't realize this truth about myself, then I could never realize how much I have changed. See, now the real Staci is emerging.
I am still loud. I honestly don't think that one will ever leave me. Heck, ask those that remember me in high school, I was loud then. I am still a little outrageous. My thought patter is still "skewed" and I have no problem with that. I am still a little in my shell, but I realized something. There is a different, happier person coming out, and I like her! My personality now (I think) is more of girl next store meets, rock girl. I have the pink peek-a-boos in my hair (and I mean pink), my nose and "lip" are pierced. But my hair is usually a little more main stream in style, and my ears don't have the huge "gauged" look to them. (Side note, my ears are gauged, but only to a 12. This helps me to wear regular earrings on occasion without having the huge allergic reaction to them).
Will this Staci be the same person at the end of my journey? I honestly don't know. I think there is a lot more exploring of myself and feelings before this journey is over. I may have many incarnations of myself through it all. But, at the end I guarantee I will not be lying to myself any more.
Love, Peace, and Still Fat
S
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