I've must have started re-writting this post in my head at least six times. I have already deleted and re-started typing once. For the first time since I started this weight loss journey I am at a loss of words. I am having a hard time putting my feelings out there, and I finally think I figured out my reasonings why.
I am not in a happy place right now. Life is just got me down, and I am struggling to keep the smile on my face, the tears out of my eyes, and remembering why this is so important to me. There are so many things that are going on in my little corner of the world that I just can't wrap my head around everything, and it shows. I usually have some brilliant stroke of words that comes to me that makes me write a positive post, or something that happens that makes me so happy that I have to share with anyone who will take a few minutes to read my blog. That just isn't happening.
I would have thought on Monday after I weighed in that some sort of brilliance would have come to me. I lost 1.2 pounds for a total of 48.8 pounds. I am so close to that fifty pound mark. And I managed to lose weight on a weekend where I had a going away get together, and went out to dinner. How did I manage that? That should be a positive post right there. But I've got nothing.
Is it the stress of moving? I am literally packing up the truck in two days, sleep and then start our way down to try our hand in Louisiana. Tonight and tomorrow I have to pack up all the clothes I don't need, finish packing my kitchen, pack up the bathroom essentials and then make sure all the little things are in boxes. This doesn't include my husbands shed either. I know we've been ahead of the packing game for a few weeks, but this last week is just a stress ball.
Is it the stress of my family life? This is all bunched up into different parts. Stress of the fear of the move, and how it is going to affect my relationships with the family members I am close to. And what about those that I am not so close to? Is this move going to strain my relationship with them even more to the point we become practically strangers? There is the stress of grief that my family is dealing with, let alone the guilt that comes along with grief. There is the stress of making sure my family realizes that while this move is HUGE and a challenge, it's something I need to do. This move has nothing to do with them, but in trying to make sure I can grow as a person. I need to take this chance and see if I can do this and succeed.
Then there is the stress of the friendships I have made (or made stronger) since I moved back to my hometown five years ago. There are people that I love that are still here. I know that this move is hard on all of us. I won't be able to drop everything and drive over if someone needs me. I am only a phone call away, but that just isn't the same. Besides, let's be honest. How many of us really use the phone and "talk" to people anymore. There is the stress of leaving, wondering how things are going to change. Not to mention the stress of those people that you thought cared for so long and now are so distant that I wonder if 948 miles is going to be the reason we become strangers. It's a hard thing, thinking that you are going to lose some people that you care for so much, and have given so much to and yet there is not a damn thing you can do about it.
No matter what I know that I need to deal with this stress and get back on a positive track. I am already sick and tired of being so down, and not having a positive thing to say. I've been like this for four days already. I need to snap out of it. I don't need to do it to lose the weight (not that it won't help) but I need to do it to stay true to the person I am.
Before I started this weight loss journey I learned something about myself that I didn't realize before. My PCOS left untreated cause me to be a hormonal nightmare. I would change moods in a matter of seconds, and I would cry at the drop of a hat. I started taking (believe it or not) birth control to control the hormones. I couldn't believe the change in myself. The snapping, raving lunatic that I once was, was now a shadow of who I became. I mean we all can become a snapping, raving lunatic don't get me wrong, but that was something that happened when I got really pissed off. I no longer cried at the drop of a pin for no reason, I no longer snapped at my husband for a small thing. I no longer was a bitch all the time (harsh but true). I became me, a positive happy person that realized how lucky she was to have a husband that stood by her during all that mess, and a family that didn't shun me.
These last four days of me not being positive have pushed me back to almost that person I was before. I HATE this person. This is not who I want to be. But, until I figure out the answers to my stress, or just let it go, I have to deal with who I am today. We all go through this at some point. We all become depressed or withdrawn. But on this journey, I can't afford to stay and wallow in this feeling. I need to get better. Maybe today will be the day. Maybe unloading to everyone who reads my blog (and thank you if you are still reading after the depressing topic) will be what I need. Maybe I just need a few good cries. Whatever it is, I vow that by the time I get done with moving into my new place, have the internet set up, and go to write a post next week I will be out of this mood. Heck, I can't afford to stay in it really either.
On a side note, due to very personal reasons I want to say: Tell everyone in your life that matters that you love them, and care for them. Don't let time be your enemy, and make sure to keep in touch with those that matter to you. I truly appreciate all the hits to my blog. Even if you don't write a comment, or like my Facebook post when I announce a new blog posting I do appreciate it. The fact that you take the time out of your day to read my thoughts is humbling. To all my family and friends reading, I love you, don't ever forget that. This move is nothing more than distance. I will be back to visit, you have a place to come whenever you want. Between FB, Skype, Facetime, and something called a phone there is no reason to lose touch.
Love, Peace, and Still Fat
S
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